Healing Begins With Safety
- Christopher Yarger
- Feb 5
- 3 min read
Trigger Warning: Unregulated Nervous System
This reflection names lived experiences of nervous system dysregulation, trauma exposure, and suicidal ideation without graphic detail.
Healing Begins With Safety in the Body
I remember, as my breakdown was developing, noticing something I did not yet have language for.
When A and A (Rebecca’s birth parent and her pedophile husband) went to Florida for the winter, my body felt calmer. As the time came for them to return, something in me tightened. I became agitated and unsettled in a way that had no clear off switch.
They purchased a trailer in Florida. As they packed to make it their permanent residence and planned to become snowbirds, my nervous system reacted long before my mind could make sense of it. The sound of him on the tractor or quad alone sent my body into distress. I shook. A crushing pressure settled into my chest. My nervous system stayed on constant high alert, so dysregulated that any sense of normalcy completely eluded me.
Focusing was difficult. Ordinary life became overwhelming. My window of tolerance, the capacity to stay present without becoming flooded, was almost nonexistent.
The day they left, my body registered it immediately. Relief. A faint but unmistakable sense of safety.
At the time, I did not understand what was happening. I was emotionally immature in the places where trauma had interrupted my development. My emotions swung wildly between fear and anger. About three days after they left, that anger intensified into something frightening. What I can only describe as a murderous rage surfaced.
That small sense of safety created enough space for feelings I had suppressed for over three decades to finally rise, specifically the truth of what had been done to my wife.
The religious framework I was living in, forgive as Jesus forgave you, seventy times seven, forget and move on, collided with my own unresolved childhood sexual abuse. Together, they became a breaking point.
What followed was a nervous breakdown. I now call it the dark season of my soul. It lasted more than two years.
I am deeply grateful to no longer be in that state.
That season was devastating for Rebecca and our children. There were times I genuinely did not want to live anymore. Rebecca became my only outlet. I trauma dumped without understanding what I was doing, keeping her in a constant state of dissociation just to survive.
I spent long stretches isolated in my bedroom, alone for hours at a time. I felt broken, depressed, distraught, and utterly alone.
I share this for a reason.
I was beginning to process trauma without any understanding of what was happening in my body and with no guidance on how to heal. I did not yet understand the devastating impact of long term exposure to manipulative, unsafe, and controlling dynamics. I also did not understand the foundational role of nervous system regulation or the necessity of felt safety in healing.
Today, I am five years into my healing journey.
The difference is not that my story changed.
The difference is that my nervous system did.
I have learned how to help my body regulate and experience safety.
The results have been nothing short of miraculous.
I no longer live in dissociation. I am growing in nervous system regulation and safety, which has allowed deep healing and somatic release from a lifetime of stored trauma. I am learning how to be at home in my body. My window of tolerance has widened, making space for response instead of reactivity. I have more awareness, more presence, and a capacity to live life today in a way that was impossible before.
Today, I love the person I am becoming.
As layers of trauma lift, my authentic self is emerging, someone growing in love for myself and others, inclusively and with boundaries. My trauma history no longer hijacks my present, and I no longer fear the future.
You can call this healing.
You can call it enlightenment.
You can call it human evolution.
What I know to be true is this.
Nervous system regulation increases safety.
Safety allows the body to heal what the mind may have forgotten.
Today, I am able to hold what is beautiful and beneficial alongside what is tragic and horrific. Instead of life breaking me, I am learning to flow with it, to feel, process, and integrate the full range of emotions that make us human.
